When people talk about sex and physical disabilities, the discussion usually turns to sex positions or modifying sex toys. While these are important topics, there’s so much more to consider than physical accommodations!
Many people with disabilities find that the most limiting things to their sexuality are not their physical limitations, but rather social prejudice. People with disabilities are often seen as childlike, helpless, and sexless. When they do express their sexuality, they tend to be viewed as perverted or oversexed. And on the rare occasions when sex and disability is discussed in the media, it is generally approached with a sense of wonder and treated as foreign—as if it isn’t inherent in the experience of being human. In our BDSM & Disability: Debunking Assumptions video, Robin Wilson-Beattie busts these myths and explains how people with disabilities have just as nuanced and complex sexual desires as anyone.
Due to the “sexless” stigma, many disabled people find it hard to get practical support for their sexual expression. Help with things like getting to dates or buying safer sex supplies is not always thought of. This is exacerbated by the fact that kink community events often take place in non-accessible venues (see our BDSM & Disability: Problems with Community Access video for more on that).
Much of the discourse around disabled sexuality involves speculation about whether a person with a disability is capable of having “(real) sex”, and what accommodations might be needed to make that happen. The unspoken assumption is that “real sex” means penis-in-vagina intercourse. This way of thinking about sexuality is unnecessarily limiting. It excludes many queer and trans people, disabled people, people without sexual partners, people with sexual pain and dysfunction, and people who simply prefer to find sexual pleasure in other ways. Broadening our idea of what sex is can help all people pursue pleasure in the ways that work for our bodies and desires.
While mainstream society mostly views people with disabilities as sexless, on the flip side there is a tendency to objectify disabled folks. There’s a common belief that if one part of the body doesn’t work, other abilities are heightened. A blind person might be assumed to be especially in touch with their sensual side because they rely more on touch to navigate the world, or a paraplegic person might be assumed to be particularly skilled at oral sex. These assumptions may seem positive on the surface—and it’s true that there can be positive sides to sexuality as a disabled person. But making assumptions about a disabled partner can have the unintended effect of reducing them to their disability, instead of seeing them as a multifaceted human being with complex sexual desires and a unique sexual personality.
The assumption that disabled people are nonsexual also results in a widespread misconception that people with disabilities don’t need sexuality education. This leaves many disabled folks uninformed about their bodies and sexualities. Without comprehensive sex education, many people with disabilities don’t receive guidance in developing the skills to advocate for their needs and desires, implement safer sex practices, communicate about consent, and generally have healthy and fulfilling sex lives.
Also, many people with disabilities are not taken seriously when they disclose sexual misconduct because they are viewed as nonsexual. Sadly, people with disabilities—both children and adults—experience sexual assault at a much higher rate than the general population. However, because of the stigma, disabled folks are largely left out of advocacy around preventing sexual assault, which leads to feelings of isolation and a lack of support for many disabled people who experience assault.
The reality is that yes, having a disability often impacts a person’s sex life. A blind person can’t glance across the room at the cocktail party and entice you with eye contact. A person who uses a wheelchair to get around may, depending on the nature of their disability, need help in and out of the chair, with changing positions, and so on. A deaf person might want you to leave the lights on so they can read your lips, watch your body language, or do whatever they need to do to communicate with you while you’re being sexual. We don’t need to pretend that disability has no impact on erotic expression. But making assumptions about how a person’s disability impacts their sexuality is not helpful.
The choice to be sexual is the basic right of every single person, regardless of physical abilities, injury, or illness. Disabled people deserve to express their sexualities and pursue sexual pleasure just as much as everyone else. We all have the potential to have exciting and fulfilling erotic lives!
Learn more about sex and disability in our 5-part Sex & Disability video series and our Disability topic page.
A note on language: Among people with disabilities, there are many schools of thought with regards to language. Some say that the person should always come first, before the identification of the disability—as in “person with a disability” or “person who is deaf”. Others prefer, for a variety of reasons, to state the disability first—as in “disabled person” or “deaf person”. In this article, I have chosen to use a mix of language based on grammatical sense. My language choices are not consciously political.