During Pride month, there have been many discussions about whether or not “kink” can be considered an identity, and as such, if it has a place in the representation of queer identities celebrated during this month.

This is not a post about that. But we wanted to acknowledge that discussion, which has ranged across social media in varying levels of politeness.

While that is definitely a conversation worth having, in this post we wanted to address a related subject:  the concerns about and reasons for coming out as kinky (or not) in contemporary culture.

Why Bother?

The first question to ask yourself is: what would you gain from coming out as kinky to your friends, family, or coworkers? If the main answer is It would really freak them out! then you might want to look a little harder for some consensual psychological play partners…

One of the main reasons people will be more out about their kink is because it is not a casual “play” behavior they are indulging in — it’s a key factor in their life. Relationships, especially, can be defined by what are considered to be kinky roles: such as collaring ceremonies are considered by the participants to be as binding as any marriage, or leather families that incorporate the (often more acceptable) “polyamorous” label when the actual roles are far more specific than “primary” and “secondary”.

The argument can be made that if someone can have a picture of their wedding day on their desk – with all of the heteronormative signals like rings, dresses, cake, etc. – there should be no reason not to be able to have a picture of your own kinky ceremony, assuming it is not breaking any nudity or similar taboos in the workplace. If someone can come in and complain about their husband, why can’t another come in and complain about their Sir? If one person can say “We’re going rock climbing tonight” why can’t another say “We’re going to try out our new TENS Unit tonight!

Like everything else in kink, two default answers apply: Communication and It depends…

Dangerous Liaisons

While in a perfect world workplaces would respect all relationships and activities in an equitable manner, the reality is much more complex. Former rope bondage instructor Belle Rope explains her situation:

So, I work in a religious organization as a high school teacher that preaches an abstinence only sex education program (which I am subtly trying to change as possible). I worry that if I were out as kinky and as a sex educator, that it would put my job at risk because of the morality expectation placed on teachers.

I’m not even out as bisexual at work even though we have an LGBT group for the students. It’s ok. I choose to stay there for other reasons. I actually just came out to my family as bisexual last week (that did go well). I have support where I need it, just not at work.

That can be one of the key things to ask yourself about coming out: do you really need to have that kind of acknowledgement in your workplace? Or can you get it in other places? Another “soccer mom”, H, (who wishes to remain anonymous) put it similarly: “People who I am comfortable talking about sexuality with know that I’m adventurous, polyamorous, and try a lot of different things. The rest of the people in my life don’t need to know.”

The fact that you can’t control people’s preconceptions about kink is definitely an issue when trying to decide. DaTc00kieDoe from Twitter explains: ”At work I’m seen as crazy for my s/m, and only do it because of past trauma (even though trauma came after my interest). Everyone thinks I have whole gaggle of people I’m sleeping with because I’m poly.”

Rowan Ariadne puts it another way: “Job discrimination. Advances out of pace with familiarity. Family friction.

In Your Partner’s Eyes

There have been many things written about how to tell your partner you are kinky. But what about the dating scene? Figuring out when and how to let your potential new partner know that you are kinky might seem like a good idea at first, but there are risks there as well. “Princess Jdee” has noticed that when she tells her new partners she is kinky, “ I just become a non-consensual sex object in their eyes, and they stop trying to get to know me as a person.”

Cam girl Stephanie Staples had a similar situation, but with a friend: “I lost a friend I came out to as kinky because they believe submissive women are a hindrance to the feminist movement. It was the most bizarre unexpected loss of friendship I’ve ever experienced.”

KinkyWriter from twitter put it even more bluntly, worrying about “Making partners feel uncomfortable and eventually getting dumped.

Sometimes it’s your own understanding of kink world that can keep you from wanting to be out. ParaphiliaToys worried about more than themself: “ I was fearful that my family and friends would see the worst parts of the scene (misogyny, racism, abuse etc)… I feared the belief that I was abusing or manipulating my wife. I feared them thinking poorly of her.”

When It’s Worth Coming Out

After all of those fears, it might seem that there really isn’t any good reason to come out as kinky – but while it may not always be possible, when it is, there is one very definite advantage:

You can influence the conversation Ozma of Oz has written about the advantages of this here on Kink Academy, as a “soccer mom” who also organizes and produces international’ kink events.

Meanwhile, “Dr. Slut” herself, IPCookieMonster (coming soon to Kink Academy), explains: “I literally chose my job so I wouldn’t really have to worry about being out. I waited until I had tenure to come out hard core. But I’ve always loved confronting stereotypes and misconceptions.”

Rebecca Blanton, co-host of Fat Chicks On Top podcast, also had a “gradual” coming out process: “ Its changed over time. As a professor I didn’t really worry about who knew. As a political researcher and head of a state agency I was very quiet because it would cost me my job if widely know. Now I am a professional kinkster so everyone knows.”

One of the common ways to do a “soft” coming-out is to check the temperature of the room when you say you’re kinky. If you say “Can’t wait to get home! Got some new Twisted Monk rope to try out!” it might be the start of a great conversation…or people may look at you with a horrified expression. At which point you burst out laughing, and say “Sorry, 50 Shades was on HBO the other night, I wanted to see your faces! As IF!” People say kinky things all the time, and play it off as humor.

What it really comes down to is three things:

1. There may be very real and present reasons you should not come out as kinky. Just like any kink activity, you need to evaluate the risk profile for yourself and others in your life, and act in whatever way mitigates the possible harm. You do not owe anyone the act of coming out, except perhaps yourself. Boundaries and privacy are essential parts of kink, and this is a good way to practice them.
2. You should plan on what to do if you are outed anyway. Graydancer’s advice is: “Imagine the dirtiest thing you enjoy. Now imagine a picture of you doing that comes out on the front page of your hometown newspaper. What would you do?” Whether it’s inadvertent Facebook suggestions or revenge porn, if you are kinky and hiding it there is always the chance that someone will try to use it against you. Prepare for that, and you won’t be taken by surprise.
3. Finally, if you can come out safely, it can help shift society’s views of kink in general. One unmistakable parallel with the gay rights movement is that normalization works. If a friend who you help move knows that those fancy knots holding the couch in the truck are from bondage videos on Kink Academy? They still appreciate your help. Most of all, you increase the odds that if someone else is outed against their will, the damage will be minimized.

Like anything else in kink, the key is to make sure that what happens is consensual – both in the information you share and the willingness of the people you’re communicating with to hear it.

Do you have a kinky coming out story? Share it with us in the comments!