Making Erotica REAL? Easier – and better – than you think!
Many kinksters go through a phase when they first come into contact with the kind of media that turns them on which can be kind of awkward. It’s manifest by things like surreptitiously browsing the “sex anthology” section of bookstores, or hurriedly clearing a browser history on a computer that someone else might use. It’s embarrassment, or even shame, because what they are reading isn’t “nice” by society’s standards. It might be as common as a bodice-ripper romance novel, or as hard-core as a membership to a video site featuring bondage and sex. It’s rooted in a fear, in the question: “What does it mean if I like BDSM porn?”
Thankfully, clinical sexologist Dr. Robert Dunlap has a simple answer for you: it means you have a healthy sex drive. These kinds of fantasies can resonate for many reasons, but there’s no harm in having them or enjoying them. Things really only get complicated if you’re wanting to bring them into reality. How can you take something that is a work of fiction from between the book covers to between the sheets?
One of the first steps is to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Mollena Williams specializes in power exchange relationships, and she understands the attractive fantasy of the submissive “giving up everything” to their master. The thing is, she explains in her video series on submission, you need to maintain your autonomy even through submission. It is impossible to surrender your humanity, she explains, nor would that be a good things. In fact, one of the ways the reality of submission can be even more sexy than fiction is through what Mollena calls “the Prime Directive”. That rule is that the submissive’s duty is to care for and protect all of the dominant’s property – starting with the submissive themself.
When you have yourself firmly grounded in reality you can then start to develop your fantasies. Dr. Ruthie explains how exploring exactly what it is that you like about a piece of erotica can get you that much closer to making it a reality. It also is an opportunity for intimacy with your partner (or simply a deeper understanding of yourself) as you put into words things like “Yeah, when the rope goes around his wrist…that just makes me hot,” or “I don’t know why, but the idea of spanking your bare butt just turns me on…”
Julian Wolf suggests taking these ideas a step further into reality through fantasy role playing. Take on the persona of the bad boy or the sweet and slutty trollop in the stories and let them inhabit you. It might seem a little silly at first, but it’s simply a grown-up version of what most people do as children: playing make-believe.
To help you out, there are a lot of clips here on Kink Academy to get you started. One common fantasy for couples is the idea of “forced bi”, especially for men. That’s the idea that a man is coerced (willingly, in reality) into going down on another man or into some other male-to-male sex act. How can you make that a “safe” reality? Kelle Martina gives professional suggestions from picking out a dildo through easing into the fantasy.
Another common barrier to making your erotica come to life is the fear that it might not live up to the fantasy. For example, if the fantasy is about bondage, it can be very daunting to see complex rope harnesses and knots and safety warnings on the web and in books. Stefanos and Shay, who run a site called “Remedial Rope”, explain on Kink Academy how you don’t need rope at all: you can “bind without twine” to give the feeling of being bound without any of the risk or the complication. If you have a necktie, a pair of pantyhose, or even just a scarf, you can have a hot and kinky scene.
It’s very important, though, to remember that reality and fantasy are different on some pretty elemental levels. In erotica there is rarely much attention paid to safer sex or the realities of rough sex. Scotty and Annie are very much into playing hard, with things like ripping off clothes or even grabbing by the throat. While “He grabbed her by the throat and threw her to the bed, pinning her down as she gasped for breath!” might be hot erotica, the reality is more like “He placed his hand around her throat, careful to avoid the trachea, and she leaned forward into it to let him know it felt good. He pushed lightly against her chest and she lay back on the bed as he followed, cradling the back of her head and making sure that her excited breathing was steady and unobstructed.”
It might not read as exciting as the fiction, but the reality is hotter simply because it can be real. That’s the great thing about adapting erotica into your kinky reality: you often find out that the real world is even better than the fantasy.