When it comes to BDSM, there are some people who simply use it as a means of spicing up a “traditional” relationship. A couple might indulge in a little hands-on impact play with their bare fists, such as Shae Flanigan enjoys, or some other version of “slap and tickle”. The rope bondage or growling commands are just an added bit of arousal, put on and taken off like lingerie just to make things interesting.

Some relationships need more than the occasional kinky taste to really work well. These aren’t better or more advanced kinksters – they’re just people with different needs. But along with those different needs comes a different skillset, depending on the kind of relationship they form.

One of the most common relationship types is the “dominant/submissive” relationship, also known as “power exchange.” The word “exchange” is important – there’s a myth that the submissive partner gives up any kind of independence, and worse that the dominant partner somehow becomes infallible. In the three-part D/s Roundtable Princess Kali, Mollena Williams, and Graydancer talk about how in a relationship it’s important for vulnerability to be a part of both sides, not just one.

Many people also think of “Master/slave” as being the prototypical BDSM relationship, but again that is more in the realm of fantasy than reality. There are as many different kinds of dominance and submission as there are people. Mistress Simone lays out several Female Dominant Archetypes from the professional dominatrix to the housewife who keeps order with a flat ruler and a touch of domestic discipline. She also discusses her own relationship which falles into the fantasy of “Mommy/Girl Play”, where her submissive partner is a competent adult who enjoys the care and attention of Miss Simone in a nurturing and guiding role. For masculine dominant archetypes, Graydancer and Naiia created a tongue-in-cheek overview (complete with cheesy video effects) that is based on actual D/s relationships (including theirs).

The common factor, regardless of gender or roles, is that these relationships fulfill the needs and wants of the people involved. It’s important to remember that “wants” are important. A relationship can survive with only “needs” met, but it is the “wants” that will nourish it and keep it healthy.

This means it’s important to understand what kinds of BDSM activities make your relationship thrive. Maybe it’s some kind of service model , whether that’s full-time personal assistant or more specific, such as sexy bootblacking. Perhaps it’s the thrill of giving the key to your chastity to someone like Eve Minax. Adding the intimacy of relationship to these sensual kinks can create a whole new dimension of enjoyment.

Dominance and submission are only parts of the BDSM spectrum. Human animal play is another kind of kinky relationship, MinxGrrl explains in her series, and can be a fun and easy way to share play within a relationship. Another example is the relationship between trainers and human ponies. Foxy and Sheri Fox have traveled to competitions and won championships together, letting their BDSM tendencies shape their partnership on all levels from the sexual through their business.

Of course, it’s not necessary to live close to your partner to have a BDSM relationship. You can have long distance relationships or even online non-traditional relationships. A relationship is as real as it feels to the people who are in it, and especially in something as varied as BDSM, it’s something that is created by any people who get that rush of new-relationship energy and want to see where it leads

Unlike more traditional relationships, there’s not always a clear idea of what is expected from a partner in terms of sex, play, fidelity, communication, or any number of other factors. That means you and your partner (or partners) need to work through these from the ground up. You might want to look into Mollena’s series on setting up your pervy profile, for example. Since BDSM relationships fall outside the norm, it’s also going to be important for you and your partners to set

clear boundaries. Anita Wagner, author and expert on polyamory, gives several suggestions for this kind of advanced negotiation as well as a very personal story of why it’s so important to set these boundaries.

Take the time to do the work and you’ll be able to create and enjoy rich and fulfilling BDSM relationships that might just make your reality not only match your fantasies, but make your reality even better.