Dirty talk has never been easy for me. I’ve written about it several times in the past, and constantly work on incorporating it in those sexy fun times. I’ve never gotten it quite right with any consistency. Sometimes I accidentally hit on the right tone and tenor, but most times I struggle with it. And because I struggle, I turned to the Kink Academy for some help.

I watched a video called The Art of Dirty Talking by Amy Jo Goddard. I paid attention to the tips she gave in the video, the number one being that you have to practice talking dirty. Like all kinky skills, this is one that requires an effort to learn. Unlike flogging, this is one that you can practice by yourself.

So practice I did. I talked dirty while driving. I practiced tone and my voice, trying to forget what I was saying, and focusing more on how I was saying it. The only thing I didn’t realize was that talking dirty to my rear-view mirror while I was driving down the highway gets you some odd looks.

When I got home, I decided to practice on Septimus. I looked him right in the eyes, with longing and desire and said “I want to suck your cock”. I was sure that I’d gotten this dirty talk down right, and twinkled when I looked at him and said “I’m practicing my dirty talk”. He asked me if “I was doing it right now”. I said, “yes, I was”.

To which I received a domley laugh and the statement that “you say that ALL the time”.

So much for THAT.

So, back to the drawing board. Instead of “dirty” talk, I tried romantic talk. Which, can also be dirty. But that didn’t work so well either.

I think I was trying too hard.

Then I figured that the reason that the dirty talk didn’t work, was because he’d heard me say nearly everything dirty that I could possibly think of (and some which not even HE had thought of yet). Well that, and I was talking about all the dirty things that I wanted.

So, as a last resort, I figured I’d play into one of his major fetishes. I took a last try for the night and crawled up onto his lap, looked lovingly into his eyes, put my face inches from him, and said to him in the sexiest voice I could possibly muster and said “please lick my nose”. And my nose got licked and he laughed.

Dirty talk isn’t easy. It’s not exactly embarrassing. For me, it’s more along the lines of nothing sounds kinky when you’re constantly talking about kinky stuff. Whip me, beat me, fuck me, I want to suck your cock…those are normal conversations in our house. It’s the conversations that he’s not expecting, the silly things that I know he wants me to BEG for, the icky things like nose licking that I wouldn’t in a million years willingly want, that are the dirtiest things I could think of. The unexpected begging for things that he likes, and which squick the hell out of me.

But since I’ve watched several blow job videos, I’m sincerely hoping he lets me practice some of those pretty darned soon.

~Silverdreams