Negotiation is something I am learning. Something that having come from my school of, “sex now, talk later” was a bit foreign to me. As I’ve been in the scene a year now, I’ve learned how very valuable it can be.

Why negotiate? Well, if you’ve ever gone on a first date with someone and they said, “We’re going to dinner and a movie” there are certain expectations of that evening. However if you end up back at his apartment with take out pizza, a bottle of tequila and a DVD of Deep Throat, well… that’s a different evening altogether!

Negotiation takes a away a lot of the “I didn’t sign on for THIS” scenario.

I watched another video on Cecilia Tan’s Submissive Self Safety Series on Kink Academy on negotiation. I admit that if I meet someone I like and we both want to play, I’m liable to take off my skirt before he says, “Ok lets talk about this.” I forget. I tend to be a ‘moment to moment’ girl but I see how this is bad when engaging in SM scenes. Not just for me, but for my partner as well.

Two weeks ago I had a scene with the violet wand, it was my second scene with this top and something unexpected happened. It was a bit too much for me. The easy short strokes from the first scene were replaced with longer more intense drags. I didn’t want to drop the rod I was holding that was making me conductive. I didn’t want to stop the scene, but I wanted her to easy up on those long drags, they were hurting and not in the good way. I also wanted to push myself. I wanted to push my limit to see just how much I could take. It’s very loud in the dungeon over the music. Only if she was in front of me could I say something she’d be able to hear. I used my hands, pulling away in very obvious ways to signal true discomfort and she responded in kind. At the end of the scene, I realized that something was a bit off, but I wasn’t exactly sure what it was or what I should have done. Now that it was over and I was in my aftercare- I felt okay. She cared for me and I did have fun, right?

This past weekend when I saw her again we decided we could play again. After watching this video, I realized what had gone wrong and that I needed to discuss it further before playing again.  I said in a playful manner, “Can we talk first I think we need to renegotiate.”

So we sat down and I told her. The long drags were too much for me. I can’t take it for too long. The inner thighs, are just a no-go unless is maybe one short quick stroke. I told her that last week I was trying to push myself through it, and I saw her face mildly react to that. I should have told her. I should have said something in the scene if it was too much. She said she understood and we talked about the importance of pushing your own limits but I realize now that should have been something I mentioned.

To paraphrase Cecilia : You have to say speak up when you come up against something you think you can’t handle.

It was my responsibility to have told her.

Needless to say, when we played this time- it was great. I was not overwhelmed, we continued to communicate through the scene. It was fun, interactive and I feel we both really got something out of it.

Later that evening I got the opportunity to play with someone I know, but have not played with before. I was excited and we talked briefly as we were setting up the spanking bench about what I like and don’t like ect. So just I remove my skirt, he grabbed a chair and sat it down. Crap. There I go again, getting undressed before we actually do any negotiations.

I sat down and he said, “Ok- so this is our first time playing. Lets talk a little.”

He asked me about any medical issues like asthma or seizures. Broken bones, muscle issues, joint or nerve damage he should know about. We talked about safe words, slowing down, thuddy, stingy, intensity and how to communicate in the middle of the scene. When I finally got over the bench, even though we were completely alone in this huge room (it was very late) I felt completely at ease. One thing I also mentioned was that asking me a question in the middle of the scene was not going to throw me off. I like to interact. Have communication. He agreed.

In the middle of the scene, he went for my hair, leaning over me and asking me how I felt about hair pulling. I mildly poured out the words “I love it” before lowering back down to the bench. It was not ‘pre-negotiated’ but discussed before he did it and I think that is the perfect way to handle when things change in the middle of a scene. Simply open your mouth and talk about it. I knew that if he did something that didn’t work for me, I could say so, and if he wanted to do something that was outside of what we had discussed, he would ask me.

Communication is so important. You really can’t play now, talk later. You can’t keep your mouth shut and just ‘take’ what’s being given to you.  That’s not how this works.  You have to communicate with your play partner otherwise it can be bad for both sides.  It’s better to speak up now and play another day rather than not say anything and walk away with misconceptions.