So while I’ve been circling the block on the kink scene for a while, I admit that I’ve only been really in it for maybe a year but truly in it for just a few months in regards to actually going out, meeting people.  Watching, observing, and connecting.  I did go to a few play parties with Coyote in the time we were together- and I did learn some rules.  Some of them are pretty self explanatory and are very similar to the things we learn in kindergarten.  Not exactly, but sort of.

This week while pondering what to write for my Kink Academy lesson I was fortunate enough to go to a Munch.  A munch is, basically a group of local kinksters getting together for a meal.  For many, it’s a good way to get to know people OUTSIDE of the dungeon in a relaxed atmosphere so you are not so nervous once you are inside the dungeon.  While sitting at this munch and seeing people that I have seen at the ONE munch I went to about six months ago and a few I have seen in the dungeon since then, I started thinking about behavior and how scary it is being new.  There was a girl there who was not new to kink, but new to ‘socializing her kink’ as I like to call it.  It was her first munch and had yet to be in a dungeon.  She came completely alone, which I did NOT do when I came to my first munch.  Her Master was at home taking care of family duties.

I was lucky that my kink had been socialized with a partner before me starting going to the dungeon.  I had friends and knew what to expect- however, there are many that don’t.  There are some that know only what they see in movies, books, or magazines. The Google search “kink”, find Fetlife and a party in their area and away they go with no knowledge of the rules.  I don’t want to say these are unspoken rules although they are.  I also don’t need to point out that they are probably written on the release of liability contract you sign at least the FIRST time you go to a dungeon, although I am certain they are there also.

As my fellow ‘munchees’ and I discussed topics like the basic rules of engagement and the kindergarten basics, I thought that perhaps this would be a good topic.  Not everyone has been to a dungeon.  One thing that Lucky Paul said in the beginning of the first video was something along the lines of, you may be able to amaze people with your sexual skills, but that means very little here.

I watched British Lucky Paul’s two videos on being new to the scene, which I have to tell you that he delivered from a sudsy bathtub.  Of COURSE the pervy girl in me was wondering if the suds would wander or die down…. oh, you would too!!

Paul went over what I broke down to six rules for what to do if you’re new.  Being new, I can tell you exactly why he’s right….

In the interest of how my brain works and with no disrespect to female Dominants or male submissives, I will refer to the Dominant as masculine and submissive as feminine.

Rule #1. Don’t be a douche bag.  Ok, that wasn’t what he said- what he said was be yourself. There’s no point in saying you have X many years in the scene if you don’t.  Kinksters can spot a bullshitter.  I can safely say that the majority of my friends in the scene have had to bullshit our way out of the usual question, “Where’d you get that bruise?”  We are here too- our parents think we play poker.  Our kids think we are at the movies.  It’s ok to be new.  We were ALL babies at one point.

Just the other day I told a very experienced Dom how I was flogging someone, pulled my hand back and it slipped, sending the flogger flying across the room.  What he said was, “At some point it happens to all of us!”

Be yourself.  When the time is right, go up to people and say hello.  Tell them this is your first event.  You are new to town, you just came out of a coma or out of prison (ok, maybe not THAT one), and you are excited to be there.  One thing I learned about kinksters, even before I became one, is that many kinky people really like talking about the fact that they are kinky.  Twitter Profiles of vanillas say, “Father, Architect, Wine lover, Rock Climber Extraordinaire.”  This is something you can talk about over Thanksgiving Dinner.  I know someone who’s Twitter profile says, “I like to tie up girls, hurt them and make them cry.”  Sure try explaining THAT at the Cub Scout meetings.

Kinky people like to help, connect, and network to other kinky people.  If you say, Oh hey I’m really interested in tying up people in rope.  Someone might say, “Oh that’s cool. You know, I am not that good at rope but go talk to Sir RopeyJones downstairs.  He’s great.”

Rule #2. Do not touch.  This is one of those kindergarten rules.  At home with my son we have a rule that I pulled right from the scene.  “If it doesn’t belong to you, don’t touch it.”  This includes toys, clothes, and submissives.  Do not touch someone’s submissive unless you know you can do it.  Usually if they see you and their arms are outstretched and they are in a full skip your direction, you are probably pretty good. If you see someone you know, sitting next to their Dominant, you don’t go up and just hug.  This isn’t high school.  Even if you know this person and you had lunch last week, unless you are TOTALLY sure that it’s not going to be an issue with her Dominant.  Ask first. You can go up and say hello, assuming they are not otherwise engaged with that person, it’s safe to ask, “Can you I give you a hug?”  Or ask their Dominant, “May I give him/her a hug?”  This applies to girl on girl hugs also.  It’s just good manners.  She might be your friend, but she might be His property and in the scene, especially in the dungeon, I am pretty sure that property trumps shopping buddies, but I couldn’t prove it in court.

Also, when giving a hug to a Dominant, you only need ask Him if you can.  I don’t think you need to ask the permission of the submissive unless you don’t know the nature of the relationship and then it’s sort of a universal precaution.  Until you are comfortable, just ask.

Also, don’t ever touch someone else’s collar without permission.  EVER.  Even if it dangles a strobe light that is blinding you, you do not touch without saying, ‘May I touch your collar?”  If the Dominant is in screaming distance, it’s better to just ask Him.

I know it all seems very strict, but really it’s very simple; If it doesn’t belong to you, don’t touch it.  (Unless you know you can).

Everything in the dungeon someone’s brand new shiny car.  And you don’t just go up and put your greasy hands on it.

Rule #3. Be conscious of your noise level.  Use your indoor voices.  When watching a scene, try not to make distracting noises.  Try not to scream in shock, don’t catcall at the poor submissive getting her nipples yanked off and give it your best shot not to point and laugh at the new top whose flogger just went flying across the room.

Ok, jokes aside.  If you are engaging in conversation within earshot of a scene, keep your voices down.  The people engaged in the scene may have been planning this for weeks or months and the last thing anyone needs is your voice in their head space.  From what I understand, MOST dungeons have some sort of social area.  Where there is water, snacks etc.  A patio where the smokers go or some place outside of the play area where you can talk and not disturb the scene.

Also, don’t ever interrupt a scene.  Don’t start talking to the Dominant or sit down too close to the submissive.  People may or may not be away that you are there, but try not to make you presence known.  Now is not the time to say, “Hey that’s an awesome flogger where’d you get it?”  During a scene, or even during aftercare- that is not your time to make conversation.  Wait until later and maybe start with, “I watched some of your scene, that was really intense.”  Go from there.  Additionally, if you see a scene that makes you uncomfortable, don’t interrupt it.  You don’t know what the negotiations were.  Perhaps the scene entails the submissive screaming for help and desperately telling her partner to stop.  Don’t try to jump in to the scene and save the screaming submissive… chances are if the Dominant doesn’t put you in your place, the submissive will.

Rule #4. Tolerate other people’s kinks.  My kink is not your kink but my kink is ok and so is yours.  If I’m squicked by your blood play, I’ll leave the room.  If you don’t like watching heavy impact play you can leave the room.  However, don’t stand and be judgmental or closed-minded.  We all want to be accepted.  If you don’t like it, don’t do it.  A fine example was the first time I saw a butch scampering around like a puppy.  Scampering around the room.  Going up to everyone with her toy and playing fetch.  I am not a dog person and I admit that I was a bit weirded out by it.  I also thought that by the puppy entering our group of people talking, that they were forcing me into their scene; however… she was a puppy.  Puppies are hardly disciplined enough to stay where they ought to.  I didn’t pet the puppy and I wasn’t happy when she grabbed the end of my leash in her mouth.  I remember looking up at Coyote, somewhat shocked and a bit confused as how to behave.  He stroked my hair and said, “It’s ok, don’t be afraid of the puppy.”  I didn’t pet her.  However, later I did comment that I was intrigued and impressed with her scene.  She thanked me and smiled and I think she was also grateful that I was accepting of her kink.

Rule #5. Sex and alcohol should be approached with caution.  It’s a good idea to avoid alcohol at your first party.  Not all places serve alcohol but some allow it.  When you’re nervous you might drink too much and lose control of your senses.  Then you’re the girl who is walking around being loud, hugging people and tugging on collars.  Don’t be that girl.  It’s not safe for you and it makes it unsafe for others.  When you are more comfortable in your surroundings, perhaps then can you trust yourself with a drink?  If you know that one shot of tequila makes you crazy, then maybe have a glass of wine.  If you know that two drinks makes you sick, then just have one.  If you are of consenting age, you can imbibe in whatever you want- however we are often talking about activities that should never be approached without the utmost attention.  My personal rule is to NOT drink or play with anyone who seems altered, that includes someone who is too drunk, too tired or has the flu.

Sex is another thing generally won’t be provided at the dungeon but might be allowed.  Be sure to ask the club rules.  There might be legal issue in regards to public sex, or it might be against the house rule.  It’s better to ask beforehand.

Rule #6. Thank your host.  A lot goes into these events whether it is at a dungeon or especially at a private home.

Remember, your reputation is everything.  These are just a few of the things that were suggested as “things that are good to know” before you go your first play party.  It may seem like a lot to remember, but it’s really not.  Treat everyone and everything with respect.  Protect your reputation; otherwise you’ll be fast identified as a liar, an attention whore, rude, loud, and disrespectful and/or “that creepy person in the dungeon.”  Kinksters are, in general, a pretty laid back bunch of awesome people.  In order for everyone to have fun, we all have to follow the rules.  It’s all fun and games until someone smacks the wrong ass!!