Last week I explored jealousy and jealousy within polyamorous relationships. However, there might be many of you out there thinking, “Well, what exactly IS polyamory?” and “Why on Earth would I even want to explore it if there seems to be so much jealousy involved?”
Anita Wagner educates us on poly-mono relationships and explores where polyamory came from and monogamy. In part 1 ,”she defines polyamory, traces its history and growth, and highlights the values of both monogamy and polyamory”.
So, what is polyamory? Anita defines it as, “The ability and desire to love more than one person at a time romantically in an open and honest way and with the full knowledge and consent of all people involved.” I can’t speak for Sylvanus, but I can pretty much assume that he feels the same way that I do, in that there is room in our hearts to love another. I used to think that polyamorous relationships meant that all people involved loved each other, but I have learned that isn’t necessarily true. Though that does happen, where a polyamorous household exists and everyone living under the roof shares love for one another. It doesn’t necessarily define what is or isn’t polyamorous. Polyamory is more of a statement of an individual rather than a relationship status.
Sylvanus and I have an open marriage because we are both polyamorous people. However, we are not currently polyamorous with anyone. Right now, neither one of us is in love with another person in a romantic way. Do we have the ability to? Sure, but we haven’t developed those feelings for anyone yet. Do I have to be involved with or love the person Sylvanus is involved with? No I do not. In fact, I don’t even have to like this person very much (though that can make things difficult), I just have to respect that the other person makes him happy and that’s who he loves or enjoys being with.
I have learned that one of the most common poly-mono relationship is the V Relationship. This is where one person is loved by and loves 2 different people. It is quite common to have one person who is polyamorous in a relationship while the other is quite happy remaining monogamous. Though I consider myself polyamorous all the way, I’d have to say that right now, Sylvanus and I are living a poly-mono lifestyle. Sylvanus is not currently seeing someone in the physical sense, however, it is in the works. Their distance apart makes it difficult for them to schedule seeing each other. They are however, quite involved in a more romantic sense in other forms of communication. Though they do not love each other (yet), they like each other very much and care for one another. I on the other hand, am living a monogamous lifestyle at the moment. There is no one special in my life (other than Sylvanus), whether it be real life or via the internet. I am not involved with anyone beyond friends right now. There is nobody in the works either. I do have a “WorkCrush” but right now, that’s all it is. I am undecided if I want to pursue anything there. It’s complicated since it’s a person at work, but anyway, that’s not what this post is about. Bottom line, Sylvanus and I are kind of living a poly-mono relationship at the moment.
In pt 2, Anita “begins with the origins and values of monogamy and then discusses the common challenges for poly-mono couples (e.g., reframing commitment and fidelity, what to communicate to family and kids) and the common emotions for both poly (e.g., guilt, fear) and mono (e.g., shame, resentment) persons.”
I know that when I became aware that I had poly tendencies, I felt guilt and that something was wrong with me. I felt guilty for even wanting to be with another person when I had someone. I felt like something was very wrong with me. How could I possibly want to be with someone else when I had Sylvanus in my life? He’s such a wonderful person! He’s so many things to me. I can’t imagine myself without him and yet, there must be something wrong with me because I want someone else in my life! Obviously, I have long gotten over those feelings. I was fearful also. I feared losing him because I had fantasies of being with others.
A lot of times, the polyamorous person has to withstand a lot of hostility, especially from others. It’s generally why in our real lives, especially our professional lives, people don’t know about our open marriage. However, we have faced hostility here on the blogosphere for the way we choose to live our lives. We have both been called “selfish” and accused of “having our cake and eating it too”. All I can say to that is, these people really don’t know what is going on and their opinions really don’t matter. What matters is if Sylvanus or I feel that way about each other, not these people looking in from the outside. They don’t know our agreements. They don’t know the inner workings of our relationship.
On the flip side, let’s say you are a monogamous person who is happy to allow your partner to be polyamorous. The monogamous person has a lot of emotions to deal with as well. A monogamous person can feel shame or feel inferior because they feel they can’t hold the attention of their partner. Which is where they need to go easy on themselves. I learned long ago that Sylvanus’s desires to be with other women isn’t because of something I am lacking and the same goes for me. I don’t desire to be with other people because Sylvanus isn’t enough. That’s just not true.
Surprisingly, the mono person has to deal with disgust from others as well. Outsiders will be disgusted that they allow their partner to be with other people. No self respecting person will allow their partner to run around with others in their eyes.
An interesting dilemma that poly-mono couples or even poly-poly couples deal with, is the ” the other person gets the better you” dilemma. I never thought of this before, as we have not really had to deal with this yet. Both Sylvanus and I are still looking for the long lasting other person in our lives. What I am talking about here is, let’s say Sylvanus has a partner, in theory, she gets the best of him. When the 2 of them are together, all they have to focus on is each other. It’s like a mini vacation where the rest of the world and responsibilities melt away. They get to date and have fun. They get to hide away in a hotel and just enjoy each others’ bodies for hours. Meanwhile, Sylvanus and I are married. We have to deal with the good and bad things in our lives. We worry together about paying the bills, family problems, work issues… etc etc. All the things that rain on your parade will happen to us. This is a very interesting thing for me to think about. I never thought about it until watching the video. It will be interesting to see how I deal with this in the future. Of course now, I have all the time in the world to process it and come to terms with it before it does happen.
It’s also very easy to become lost in NRE, New Relationship Energy. Just remember to always keep your partners happy and made to feel special. There needs to be an honesty and privacy balance. You have to find a way to be open and honest and still maintain some privacy to the satisfaction of all involved. When it comes to Sylvanus, I don’t want nor need the details of his exchanges with others. If he wants to share, I am happy to hear it, especially if it becomes verbal foreplay. It is not required however. At the same time, I do not want to be left in the dark. I like having status updates on his other relationships. I like knowing where things are headed before they happen. I prefer not waking up one morning and suddenly hearing, “oh by the way, girl and I are sleeping with each other now”, when last I heard, they were just talking on the phone. All I ask is that he share his feelings and where things are going and what the plans are with the other person, but I do not need to know the details.
In pt 3, Anita asks the question: “To open or not to open a monogamous relationship?” Within this video she gives a lot of resources to help you decide how to approach the subject of polyamory and make a decision on whether or not it is good for you. Only you can know. For Sylvanus and I, it was a long and thoughtful process. We started with baby steps and worked our way slowly to where we are today. We continue to grow and learn. We are far from reaching our final destination. The most important things to remember are, trust is a very important part of polyamorous relationships. If your current relationship lacks trust, going poly will not be possible. Going poly to fix a broken relationship will more likely end in disaster. Communication, open and honest, is the key to making any relationship work, poly or not.