Anita Wagner once again, educates us in her latest video, “What to do if you’re a jealous person“. Jealousy is a big emotion to have to deal with and quite common when one chooses to open up their relationship to others. As I have stated before, it’s a constant journey and struggle. There are ways of making the journey easier.
“Do your part to make sure your relationship is sound and that you are a competent communicator”. Obviously, if I’m not doing my part in creating a healthy relationship with Sylvanus, then it can be very easy to start pointing my finger and blaming him for everything.
“It is important to remember the poly mantra: Communicate, communicate, communicate.”
I can’t tell you how much talking Sylvanus and I are constantly doing. When people ask us how we make it work and how they can have a relationship like ours, our first question to them is, “well have you even talked about it with your partner?” Which is usually a frightful “Oh god no, they don’t even know I’m having these thoughts.” But that’s for another post.
When you are in an open relationship THE MOST IMPORTANT thing is COMMUNICATE!
“Most people don’t seem to understand just how much processing has to go on.” Truer words were never spoken! Which is why my husband and I blog and talk. On my own, I do a lot of thinking and it’s usually processing over many things in my life. Our blog has become an effective way of communicating to each other. Sometimes, it’s easier for me to express myself through written word instead of spoken words. Blogging has become a very important way for me to process what is going on and at the same time, it allows for others to learn in my experiences and/or give their own advice. So when it seems to some that I am beating a subject to death, I am actually just trying to process it in my own head.
“It’s important to be able to communicate in a way that does not blame or shame your partner”. Sylvanus and myself try very hard to be as objective over a subject as much as possible. We don’t try to immediately blame one another but rather express how we feel.
“When emotions are strong and you are very upset and jealous, leaping into action will only make things worse”. Oh I have been there! So has Sylvanus. In the beginning of our relationship, when just flirting with other people on the internet made us very jealous, there have been many hurtful arguments. There are things we would love to take back. Years ago, when Sylvanus become very upset over a flirtation I had had, he exploded in such anger, it scared me. He never became physically violent with me, so don’t even think that, but I saw him do something I have never seen before, he got extremely angry and was yelling at me and even punched a wall. I immediately became a shell of a woman. My instinct was to run away, but I couldn’t move. When things calmed down and Sylvanus saw me shaken up, he immediately realized the damage he had done. It stirred both of us. I was upset at seeing how hurt I made him and he was upset that he had scared me so much.
On the other side of the fence, there was a time when I was upset about his flirting with another woman and instead of sitting back and dealing with it, I began lashing out at him for no reason. I verbally attacked him and he just didn’t know where all of this was coming from. He was just minding his own business at work and suddenly I was being a total bitch over the phone because I was upset over something that he had nothing to do with. (I was actually upset that this woman no longer talked to me and instead flirted it up with him). My poor husband fell victim to my jealous anger and he didn’t deserve it. All because I didn’t take a moment to step back and process instead of just react.
Which brings me to another important message. “There are times when jealousy can feel very unbearable, but time can make it pass.” Oh so true. Not long ago, Sylvanus did something that had made me upset. I didn’t want to be upset because I knew that the reason for it was silly and that time would let it pass. I picked up the phone and called a friend and she helped talk me through my emotions. Did it make everything go away? No, I still had to talk to Sylvanus about what he did and how it hurt me a little, but I was glad that I took a step back to let time take the edge off of the jealousy bite.
Martyrdom also does not help. There have been many times in my past where I thought grinning and bearing it and accepting things as they are was the way to be ok with everything. No, it’s not. If you aren’t ok with something, speak up!
“The goal is to become comfortable with cheerfully accommodating your love’s other relationship or renegotiate your boundaries as too how much is too much.”
There is something called the “ripple effect” that maybe a lot of people are not aware of. My attitude will directly impact my love’s partner’s attitude. Sometimes when I express private concerns with Sylvanus and he shares these with the other woman, this other woman in turn begins to feel those concerns. This is both a good and a bad thing. Sometimes this will cause her to react negatively and withdraw. When that happens, it sucks, because the concern may not have been a permanent one. If I have a bad attitude about someone Sylvanus is seeing, then this puts him in a terrible position. If he shares how I feel, then this will impact the other woman, however, having to keep this secret from her puts a strain on himself. It’s why Sylvanus and I always make sure that who we are seeing is approved by each other before things get serious. It works the same way in the reverse. If the other woman is expressing herself negatively towards me then I am left feeling threatened or lost. Whatever negativity she puts on Sylvanus, I will feel it just as much. I am his best friend and will be the one he most likely talks to about it.
“Identify emotions being felt and under what circumstances they arise. Diary these” Again, this is how the blog comes in handy for us. When we write about something, we are journaling how we felt about a certain experience and processing the “whys”. This is a great way to identify what might be going on. It helps greatly in figuring out what your needs are and how you can better react to your jealousy. It’s important to figure out what emotion seems to create your jealousy.
“Be direct and and ask what you need from your partner to be ok with a situation.” You must always remember that sometimes you are just going to have to ask what it is you need and not assume the other person is going to give it to you. The first time I slept with Mr English was the first time Sylvanus had to deal with my sleeping with another man and he wasn’t there to be involved. There was a lot of processing that needed to be done. As much as I did my best to be there for him and comfort him and tell him how much I love him, he simply needed to tell me to make love to him and so I did and the world was made right for him.
“Sometimes specific reassurances from your partner helps lessen the amount of jealousy you encounter”. Sylvanus and I are always working on communicating to each other just how much we love each other. Sure there is the blog to express this, but we have many late night chats in bed that revolve around expressing just how special and important we are in each others’ lives. When it comes down to it, I can’t imagine my life without him.
“Desensitization is an effective strategy to dealing with jealousy.” As I have stated in my last post, Sylvanus and I didn’t jump into things. We started one step at a time. First we were ok with more flirtatious internet interactions, then it became other women, then couples, then threesomes, then individual encounters. Right now there are no sleep overs, but we’ll get there. Do you know what is the foundation for all of this? That’s right, open and honest communication. We took baby steps and along the way, there was always open and honest communication. There was also lots of blogging. You just need to respect your partner and not jump into things before everyone is ok. Going away for the weekend with a new partner on a newly opened relationship is probably not a great idea.
Something to consider is “be willing to meet the other person. It’s easier to demonize them when you don’t know them.” So far, I have not met the people that Sylvanus has been involved with on a one and one basis. I have not cared to. Have I been willing? Yes. Did I need to? No. Of course at that stage, they seemed to be people he was sleeping with more so than people he was developing a relationship with. When that day comes, it will be necessary to meet the other woman. I don’t think it does any good to hide from the other person. I think that’s just another way to create more jealousy. It’s better to face your fears head on and deal with them than to leave yourself wondering what if. It has been my personal experience and opinion that if the other woman is willing to meet and talk with me and acknowledge my presence, then I can respect her and she can respect me.
Before any of this can begin, you must love yourself. You must have self esteem. Someone with very low self esteem is not going to be able to flourish in an open relationship.
Remember that this should be a constant journey. You will learn and grow everyday. “Solve conflict creatively. Don’t just give up and say things are doomed.” Sylvanus and I run into speed bumps all the time. We talk about them, solve them and move on from there. Just because one experience was a disaster doesn’t mean they all will and more importantly, it doesn’t mean you did your best and things are doomed so might as will quit now. Learn from it and pick yourself up and go out there and explore once more!