I’m excited that two of the categories on the Kink Academy website are 1) relationships and 2) polyamory. As anyone should have figured out by now, Sylvanus and I have started an open relationship almost 2 years ago. (wow time flies!) When we first started, we explored with allowing another woman get involved with me. At the time, I wasn’t ready to see another woman have sex with Sylvanus, but he was ok with allowing me to explore with other women. However, my first woman experience was not one that was very sexual. I was never her lover, but I was her little masochist who was rewarded greatly for my good behavior. I am speaking of none other than, Mistress Kyra.
A few months passed, Sylvanus and I spent much time talking and communicating and we were ready to open up our bedroom to couples. We thought it would be easier if everyone were involved together. Our first experience with a couple left me with a bitter taste, but our second experience was more to my liking which resulted to a second meeting. The second meeting with this couple lead to an improvement in our state of minds as I found myself in a bedroom with the other man, as Sylvanus went to the guest room with the other woman.
Soon, Sylvanus and I were able to explore with having another woman in our bedroom, which we never wrote about but it happened here in NY as well as having another man join us in the bedroom. (I’m itching to do that again!) It wasn’t until we moved to NY that we started exploring seeing other people without being present. Meaning, him sleeping with another woman or I with another man, and he is not present or I am not present. Pretty much having our own sexual encounters without the other one being there.
When Sylvanus and I first began dating, jealousy was a HUGE problem, for the both of us. We were jealous if the other was simply flirting with other people online or cybering. Of course, most of it actually had to do with the fact that we were doing it behind each others’ backs and not talking about it. How things have changed today!
It’s interesting though, how many people tell us we are at such an advanced stage and there is no way they, or their partner, would ever be accepting of an open relationship. The truth is, this is a constant journey. It took us years to get here and we have many years ahead of us. We talk constantly and we still fight with jealousy on a daily basis.
With that being said, how could I not explore the videos on Kink Academy that talked about jealousy in polyamorous relationships? After watching PT 1, by Anita Wagner, I became aware of a lot of things. I could relate strongly to what was being said, as I was there once. I learned a lot about where jealousy comes from and how it develops. Origins of jealousy are society programmed core beliefs, unresolved insecurities in ourselves and unresolved insecurities in our relationship. I myself have over come the society programmed core beliefs. I do not believe in what society thinks. What matters to me is what Sylvanus and I think and if we are happy. I do however, struggle on a daily basis with my own insecurities. Does Sylvanus’s interest in a woman who is the exact opposite of me reflect negatively on me? Should I be worried that I am not good enough? Does he want her more than me? Of course, I know the answer is, her being different is what makes her a thrilling new partner, but it is of no reflection of who I am and what he wishes me to be. I still struggle with this everyday and need to be reminded.
I believe Sylvanus and I both struggle in a daily basis with insecurities in our relationship. Remember how I said years ago, he and I used to flirt or cyber with other people behind each others’ backs? It still has it’s influence today. Even though we are at a much different place and we communicate constantly, our gut still makes us wonder if we really do know about everything in each others’ lives. Sometimes I think that there is more than what is really being shared, but that is my own insecurities being revealed. I share everything with Sylvanus and he has shared everything with me. Which leads me into what I related to in Pt 2 of jealousy in polyamorous relationships.
There are four common kinds of jealousy: possessive, exclusion, competition, and fear.
Possessive jealousy is one in which someone does not want to share their partner with anyone. In general, people who can’t get past this jealousy, can’t live happily in an open relationship. Sylvanus and I did not even begin exploring with other partners until we were no longer possessive of each other. Even still, we started slow. I have to say, that actually exploring other partners with him has made my possessiveness over him grow less and less. More so, however, were my own experiences. The more I began to realize that sex sometimes is in fact just sex, the more I became less threatened by Sylvanus’s desires to sleep with other people.
Exclusion jealousy is one I struggle with today. Sylvanus has found a female friend and though distance keeps them from being able to see each other frequently, he still has someone to flirt with and exchange naughty messages and pictures with. He has found someone he can have a friendship with and special relationship. I however, am still looking. Well, sort of. I’m no longer looking, just waiting for the day when the right person comes along. Soon, the day will come when Sylvanus will go to meet his new lady friend for an overnight and I will have many emotions to deal with, simply because I am excluded. I will not be involved with them and I will not have my own thing. I’m not jealous OF Sylvanus, just jealous of what he has and I don’t. Which is envy. I’m seeing that this is perhaps why I seem to have this deep need to be included in everything that Sylvanus does. Not that I want to be part of his sexual experiences because I don’t. (Experience has proven that I am not always attracted to the same women he is) Just that I am slightly obsessed with knowing everything in his life, which can be damaging to the relationship. He needs his space and so do I. This is one big thing I have learned while watching the video. I am becoming aware of things I am doing in order to cope with my exclusion.
Competition jealousy is mostly when someone feels that they don’t measure up to the other lover. You begin feeling that your partner no longer thinks you’re good enough or that he would rather have the other person. I personally, have not felt this way thus far in any of the encounters Sylvanus has had, but things are always changing and it could happen in the future.
You begin to fear that what made the relationship “special” is being lost. I have encountered that recently. When Sylvanus and I have found special people to share our lives with (in the distant future), the possibility of going without condoms is there, but only after everyone has been tested. Again, this is only for very very special circumstances. For now and for all times, condoms are always used with others. In any case, the thought of having Sylvanus cum inside another woman made me a little jealous. His ability to have sex with me without condoms is a “special” one. This is a special act between the two of us. Does it actually make things any less special? No. However, my instinct was to be jealous.
Fear jealousy is very common in open relationships. We fear losing our partner to another. We fear that they will fall in love with another and no longer love us. Again, I don’t feel this way. I have never felt that if Sylvanus fell in love with another person, he would want to leave me. I believe it will just be a new kind of love. It will be a different kind of love. I believe this, because I feel the same way about him. No matter what happens in my life, no matter who I may fall in love with, I will always want Sylvanus there by my side for the rest of my life.
It should be said right now that jealousy is NOT a negative thing. It’s a natural human emotion. It’s how we deal with jealousy that is good or bad.
These 2 videos have been awesome to watch. It was both educational and left me reflecting on things that I do. I was able to relate to so much and understand my behavior better.
I leave you with the advice that we always give others and was also reflected on the videos:
“Generally opening up a relationship will not save a relationship that is having problems, but when it comes to needs being met that one person wants and the other does not (such as a kink/fetish) that is the one exception to the rule.”